Many successful men and women claim they are self-made. But the fact is that no one reaches the pinnacle without help. Once you have set a definite goal for success and taken your first steps to achieve it, you find yourself receiving help from many unexpected quarters. You must be prepared to give thanks for both the human and divine help you receive.

Gratitude is a beautiful word because it describes a state of mind that is deeply spiritual in nature. It enhances one’s personality with magnetic charm, and it is the master key that opens the door to magic powers and the beauty of Infinite Intelligence. Gratitude, like other traits of the pleasing personality, is simply a matter of habit. But it is also a state of mind. Unless you sincerely feel the gratitude you express, your words will be hollow and empty, and sound as phony as the sentiment you offer.

Gratitude and graciousness are closely akin. By consciously developing a sense of gratitude, your personality will become more courtly, dignified and gracious.

Never let a day pass without a few minutes spent in giving thanks for your blessings, because gratitude is a matter of comparison. Compare circumstances and events against what they might have; you will become aware that no matter how bad things are,  they could be much worse—and you will be grateful they aren’t.

Four phrases should be among the most common in daily usage. They are “Thank You,” “I’m Grateful,” I Appreciate” and “If You Please.” Be thoughtful. Try to find new and unique ways to express your gratitude, not necessarily in material gifts. Time and effort are far more precious, and the amount of these you spend in showing gratitude will be well worthwhile.

Make your gratitude creative. Make it work for you. For example, have you ever thought of writing the boss a simple note telling her how much you like your job and how grateful you are for the opportunities it offers? The shock value of such creative gratitude will bring you to her attention—and could even bring you a raise. As trite as it may sound, gratitude is infectious. She might catch a bug and find concrete ways of expressing her gratitude for the services you are rendering.

And don’t forget to be thankful to those who are closest to you, your spouse, other relatives and those you associate with daily, whom you might tend to neglect. You are probably more indebted to them than you realize.

Gratitude takes on new meaning, new life and power when spoken aloud. Your family knows you are grateful for their faith in you, but tell them so frequently! You’ll find a new spirit pervading the household.

Remember, there is always something to be grateful for. Even the prospect who turns down the salesperson should be thanked for the time he spent listening. He’ll be much more likely to buy the next time.

Gratitude costs nothing. But it’s a big investment in the future.

“Why me?”
You were probably asked to deliver a eulogy because of your close relationship to the deceased, and because the family trusts you to honor his or her memory on behalf of family and friends. The family doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, foolish or as though your grief is on display. It’s an honor they’ve bestowed upon you. Helping others say goodbye may turn out to be a rewarding experience. Don’t worry about making mistakes. “A eulogy comes from the heart of the deliverer. We can’t see how a mistake could be made as long as it [the eulogy] is honest and true.

“I can’t write.”
Don’t let the thought of writing intimidate you. You don’t have to be a novelist to move people. Everyone has a story to tell and that’s your job as a eulogist. Tell people your story.

In the book “A Labor of Love: How to Write a Eulogy,” author Garry Schaeffer says a eulogy should convey the feelings and experiences of the person giving the eulogy, and should be written in an informal, conversational tone. Schaeffer dispels the misconceptions that a eulogy should objectively summarize the person’s life or speak for all present. “Sit down and write from the heart.

Eulogists often write about the person’s attributes, memories and common times that were shared together. Sometimes they include the deceased’s favorite poems, book passages, scripture verses, quotes, expressions, lines from songs or items that were written by the deceased. “Whatever is selected, it generally reflects the loved one’s lifestyle.

These questions should get you thinking:

• How did you and the deceased become close?
• Is there a humorous or touching event that represents the essence of your passed loved one?
• What did you and others love and admire about the deceased?
• What will you miss most about him or her?

Some of the simplest thoughts are deeply touching and easy for those congregated to identify with. For example, “I’ll miss her smile,” or “I’ll never forget the way he crinkled his nose when he laughed,” are just as good as “I admired her selflessness.”

If you need help in preparing a eulogy, there are companies willing to help. At www.lovingeulogies.com, you can purchase an online guide to writing eulogies or even have their professional writer develop a custom eulogy for you.

“I can’t speak in front of people.”
It may not be easy, but you can do it. A funeral is one time you’ll surely have a kind and empathetic audience. They feel for you and are on your side. You’ll only have to speak for five to ten minutes, but your gift will live in the hearts of the deceased’s family and friends.

If you’re worried about choking up or breaking down in the middle of your eulogy, you can take a moment to compose yourself, then carry on, as Schaeffer recommends, or you can have a back up person ready to step in. Please give a copy of your eulogy to the minister or funeral director so that person can finish the eulogy if you’re unable to continue.

Tips

• Be honest and focus on the person’s positive qualities.
• Humor is acceptable if it fits the personality of the deceased.
• “If you are inclined to be a perfectionist, lower your expectations and just do what you can given the short time-frame and your emotional state,” writes Schaeffer in “Labor of Love.”
• Keep it brief. Five to ten minutes is the norm, but it’s a good idea to verify that with the minister or funeral director.
• Leo Saguin recommends interviewing family and friends in his book “How to Write and Deliver a Loving Eulogy.”
• Put the eulogy on paper – at least in outline form.

Eulogy or Sharing Time?
If you’re planning the funeral, you might want to consider “sharing time” as an alternative to a eulogy. In sharing time, the people congregated pass a microphone or take turns standing up to share their thoughts. “It’s like a lot of mini eulogies and is more spontaneous.”

The person who closes his mind to new ideas, concepts and experiences enslaves his own personality.

Intolerance, the product of a closed mind, is a two-edged sword which cuts off new opportunities and lines of communication on the back swing.

When you open your mind, you give your imagination freedom to act for you.  You utilize the gift of vision.

It’s hard to realize now that seemingly intelligent people laughed at the Wright brothers’ experiments with flight, and aviation icon Charles Lindbergh could scarcely find backers for his trans-Atlantic flight.

Today, men and women of vision have put man on the moon, and photos of other planets in our solar system are regularly transmitted back to earth by space-exploration vehicles, while we now dream of space stations, hotels, and recreation facilities.  The goal of NASA is to develop and demonstrate the capability of interplanetary travel. Where are the early scoffers at moon flight????? Or for those who said “A Black Man could never aspire to and become the leader of the most powerful and richest country of this planet.

A closed mind is a sign of a static personality.  It lets progress pass it by and never takes advantage of the opportunities progress offers.

Only if you have an open mind can you grasp the full impact of the first rule which leads man to any form of success:

WHATEVER THE MIND OF MAN CAN CONCEIVE

AND BELIEVE, IT CAN ACHIEVE!!!

Thus the Birth of “THE OBITUARY SERVICE”

The person blessed with an open mind can perform miracles in business, industry, and the professions while those with closed minds are still shouting “impossible”.

Speaking of  “Impossibles”, let us mention a few… Cell Phones that can carry a conversation around the world, Forensic Science that can reveal a person’s identity (who has been deceased for twenty years) by the DNA in his tooth, a Computer Program that can and accept a fax and convert it into an email automatically, Natural Herbs and Teas that can cure cancers and other major diseases such as diabetes with little or no side effects or surgery, a machine that can take whole foods (fruits, vegetables and raw meats) and liquid fey them into a prefect juice or smoothie (one 12 oz. glass) that you can intake and get all the NATURAL nutrients and vitamins you need to solidify your health & weight (no more sluggish feeling after you eat, but bounds of energy and vitality).

I COULD KEEP ON WRITING 24/7 FOR THE NEXT YEAR AND COVER ONLY A HAND FULL OF THE THINGS THAT “THE MIND OF MAN” HAS UNCOVERED FROM HIS CREATOR IN THE PAST FIFTY YEARS!!

Take stock of yourself.  Are you among those who say “I can” and “It will be done”, or do you fall into the “No one can” group at the very moment someone else is accomplishing it?

An open mind requires faith – in yourself, your fellow-man, and the Creator, who laid out a pattern of progress for man and his universe.

The days of superstition are gone, or at least they should be.  But the shadow of prejudice is as dark as ever.  You can come out into the light by closely examining your own personality.  Do you make decisions based on reason and logic rather than on emotion and preconceived ideas?  Do you listen closely, attentively, and thoughtfully to the others arguments?  Do you seek facts rather than hearsay and rumor?

The human mentality withers unless it is stimulated by fresh thought.  The dictator, in brainwashing, knows that the quickest way to break a man’s will is to isolate his mind, cutting him off from other people, from books, newspapers, radio, television and other normal channels of intellectual communications.

Under such circumstances, the intellect dies for lack of nourishment.  Only the strongest will and the purest faith can save it.

Is it possible that you have imprisoned your mind in a social and cultural concentration camp?  Have you subjected yourself to a brainwashing of your own making?

If so, it is time to sweep aside the bars of prejudice that imprison your intellect.  Open your mind and set it free.  Discover for yourself the added power of a mind which knows no barriers.

Most important, I believe, is to first find out what your child already knows about death, then what they think they know, and then provide the facts in simple, honest, terms.

Explaining death to children is similar to talking to kids about sex, except that many parents find death a more difficult topic. We often use euphemisms such as “passed away” “Grandpa is sleeping,” or “we lost Grandma” instead of the words “dead” and “died.” These softened explanations can cause fears in a young child that they too may get lost or go down for a nap and never wake up. Or worse yet, as 4-year-old Kimberly asked, “What if I go to sleep and wake up in a casket like my Grandpa?”

Children see the evidence that livings things die in many areas of their lives. They see and hear about it on the television, in movies–even cartoons, and on an ordinary walk in the park or to school, e.g., : a dead bird, a squirrel, or other small animal. They notice the change of the seasons as plants and trees appear to wither and die.

They may have experienced the death of a pet. It’s hard not to notice the difference between a live goldfish and one floating motionless on the top of the fish bowl. Death causes changes in a living thing. Very young children may not be able to fully comprehend the complexities, but they are aware that death looks and feels different.

If possible, begin a dialogue with your child about how all living things on this earth will die someday. Death is a reality; we can’t hide it from our children. It is the circle of life. If the situation arises where a plant, pet or animal dies, allow the child to investigate it, see it, touch it, even smell it.

With an accepting adult standing close by or holding a child while he/she discovers death on the sidewalk, children often adopt the attitude and the emotion of the adult. Talk about feelings. Share your feelings with your child. Tell him that when someone or something dies, we might feel sad, mad, or confused. And sometimes we might even cry–and that’s okay.

Explain the difference between an “alive” bird and a dead one. When the bird was alive, he could fly, and sing, and eat worms, but now, his body has died. It doesn’t work anymore. He cannot see, or hear, or move. His body is dead. You may even hold a “funeral ceremony” for the animal. Explain that a funeral is a time to say good-bye. It is a special time to be remembered.

Another readily available example in a child’s world is a simple flower. You can show the child a living flower. Point out its qualities of life–e.g., vibrant color, soft velvety petals, strong sturdy stem and enjoyable fragrance. If you want, you may even discuss the flower’s purpose here on earth. It brings us joy, brightens a room, provides food for insects and bees, etc. Then show the child a flower that has died. Compare its qualities to the living flower. The flower has changed. Allow the child to touch and smell the flower.

When talking to a child about the death of a family member or friend, remind them that like the flower, or bird, or pet, the body of their loved one has changed. It cannot see, or hear, or move. Look through photo albums, talk about special memories and their relationship with the deceased.

Read books available for children. Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Reassure them that sad and mad feelings are normal and okay. Allow them to attend the funeral or memorial service for their special person. Encourage them to write a letter or draw a picture that can be placed in the casket or displayed near the urn

You may want to talk about your family’s faith tradition. Heaven is another concept which is a life long learning process.

Death IS a frightening concept for all of us. But, with loving explanations, acceptance of feelings and an opportunity to express those feelings, a child can begin to understand that death is a part of life.

The most important thing you can do is talk with your child, and encourage him or her to ask questions. Answer their questions as simply and accurately as you can.

Talk with the child about your feelings, and encourage the child to express his or her feelings. Listen to what the child says and how (s)he says it. Is the child expressing anxiety, fear, or insecurity?

Help them explore and understand these feelings. Watch the child at play to see what he or she is expressing here, as well. Children will often express strong emotions by acting them out through play.

While we’re on the subject of playing, consider providing toys and activities that help the child relieve stress. This can include modeling clay, finger-painting, playing in water, or other messy activities that allow them to express themselves and relieve tension and stress.

You may find the child wants to hit or kick things, or otherwise behaves aggressively. This is normal; encourage the child to express these feelings by hitting a pillow, stuffed toy, or a ball. This will allow them to express the anger and tension in a non-harmful way.

Reassure the child, letting him or her know that you’re going to help him or her through this, and that you’re in it together. You may need to repeat these reassurances several times, and you may also need to answer questions more than once.

It’s important that you not become impatient with the child if this happens. You may want to spend extra time with the child when you’re putting him or her to bed, and you may find that even children who haven’t been bothered by the dark in the past suddenly want a nightlight.

Touch is a key component of healing, especially for children. Hold and physically comfort the child–you may find this comforts you during a difficult time as well.

If you’re concerned that the child is taking a long time to heal, or isn’t getting his or her emotions worked through even with your help and support, you may want to consider finding a counselor for the child. Grief counselors and other mental health professionals are trained in helping both children and adults through stressful times and working through their grief.

When answering a child’s questions about death, adults should keep in mind the following:

• Tell a child only what he or she is capable of understanding. There is no need to be evasive, but modify explanations to what the child can comprehend. A too-complicated reply often confuses a child.
• Use language the child can understand.
• What is said is important, but the manner in which it is said has even greater significance. Be aware of voice tone. Try to answer the questions in a matter-of-fact way without too much emotion.
• Remember that what is communicated without words can be just as meaningful to a child as what is actually said.

It’s not unusual for a child to ask the same question again and again. Repeating questions and getting answers helps the child understand and adjust to the loss of someone loved.

If you incur any difficulties in explaining death or cremation  to your child, you may wish to consult a child guidance counselor who specializes in these areas.

His/her heart stopped beating and no one can make it start again. Therefore, we won’t be seeing him/her move or talk anymore. We will bury the body in the ground, because (identify the person, using their name) is not able to do or say anything anymore.

Children will often note the discrepancy between burial of the body and the description of “going away” or “going to Heaven.” While the young child probably can’t grasp the concept, one might address the distinction as the part that we love–the part that smiled and laughed and loves us-is the part that has gone to heaven. The old, broken body is now what is in the ground.

Caretakers can facilitate therapeutic role-play by sitting with the child as he or she plays with dolls, stuffed animals, puppets, toy cars, and doll houses. Look for aggression in play and explore where the anger is focused.

Children ages seven to eleven are still primarily oriented to the family, and although they’ve begun to relate to and gain self-identity through their peers, play is still a mode of self-expression. Children this age also express themselves quite well orally, especially the primary feelings of mad, glad, and sad.

They have begun to grasp more abstract concepts such as truth, time, space, and death, although magical thinking still plays a role. Most commonly, seven-or eight-year-olds become fearful of death because they realize for the first time it’s real.

No matter who dies, they may feel devastated at the thought of losing a parent. Obviously, the death of a parent is extremely traumatic at this age. Some of their questions may indicate fears of their own death. Death is seen as an attacker who takes life.

Free expression of grief must be encouraged, and children must be told over and over that they didn’t cause the death and that the dead person did not choose to die. A child of this age may also fear that death is a punishment for improper behavior. They may fear that their naughty behavior has brought about the death of a loved one, and they are being punished for it. They may also believe that they or another loved one will be the next to die.

A more adult concept of life and death develops roughly between the ages of nine and eleven. At this developmental level, the children have learned that only people, plants, and animals live and die. Children of this age are not only sensitive to their own feelings, but can now enter into the feelings of others.

As a result, they are more understanding of what the loss may mean to others, and they are able to show empathy. Children in the upper end of this range not only need support and comfort, but also can be a source of support and comfort for others. Opportunities to be helpful to others during the crisis can actually help children deal with their own feelings.

To the emotionally healthy adolescent, death is foreign; it’s something they simply do not want to think about. Sometimes their self-destructive behavior, such as alcohol or drug abuse or playing chicken in an automobile are means of saying “I’m not afraid of death; it’s a game–I’m making a plaything of it.”

However, the real meaning beneath the behavior is that they’re trying to control their fear and insecurity by making it a game. Moving fast and keeping the music loud can be an escape from having to face their fears.

When met with the loss of an important relationship, the adolescent’s self-centered values may cause them great fear, guilt, anxiety, and anger. Adolescents have the capacity for empathy with other grieving family members or friends, so their pain is doubled.

Because an adolescent forms more intimate relationships with peers than with parents, it’s advisable that networks or groups be make available for adolescents who have experienced the death of a loved one.

The adolescent may respond well to another adult who is willing to listen and assume a surrogate parent role with them. While reluctant to participate in their own family grief or support groups, they may respond well to a pastor, school counselor, or another adolescent who “understands.”

Caretakers of a grieving adolescent should not be discouraged if their teen reaches to someone other than family. That’s normal at this stage of development.

An executive of the Forum for Death Education tells of one patient under therapy as a result of scattering the cremated remains of a loved one. She had no focal point for her grief until he suggested she obtain a niche at a local mausoleum and place some memento of the loved one within.

In day-to-day contact with bereaved families, many cemetarians have noticed signs of severe emotional stress among the survivors in instances of cremation without memorialization and without funerals.

In some cases, such problems may take the form of delayed reaction many months later and are more apt to come to the attention of the medical community or clinical psychologists than to the layman or the general public.

Many psychiatrists feel that the funeral serves a very real need for the survivors. One of them stated that the primary purpose of the funeral is to fulfill the need for grieving for the living and that this need goes unfulfilled for many in our culture. The result, in many cases, is that months or years later people require psychiatric treatment for severe depression

In suffering a loss, the traditional rites of passage and memorialization can be beneficial in helping individuals pass through the stages of grief.

When the practice of cremation is accomplished with human dignity and recognition, it will:

• help assuage grief
• alleviate guilt
• contribute to emotional stability
• create peace of mind

Making the first phone calls
What to do first depends on the circumstances of the death. When someone dies in a hospital or similar care facility, the staff will usually take care of some arrangements, such as contacting the funeral home you choose, and if necessary, arranging an autopsy. You will need to notify family, friends and clergy. It may be easier on you to make a few phone calls to other relatives or friends and ask each of them to make a phone call or two to specific people, so the burden of spreading the news isn’t all on you. If you are alone, ask someone to keep you company while you make these calls and try to cope with the first hours after the death.

When someone dies at home or at work
If a person dies at home or at work, first call 911 or the emergency phone number in your area. According to Eva Shaw, author of “What to Do When a Loved One Dies,” any death occurring without a physician or medical personnel in attendance must be reported to the police and an investigation held. After the coroner’s examination, the body will either be transported to the morgue for autopsy or to the funeral home of your choice, depending on the circumstances of death.

If your loved one was under medical care, be sure to notify the doctor. If you don’t know the doctor’s name, look for prescription bottles or medical bills. If the person was under the care of a hospice program, call the hospice organization instead of 911.

Call a funeral director
Whatever the circumstances of death, one of your first calls should be to a licensed funeral director. He or she may help you:

• transport the body
• obtain a death certificate
• select a casket, urn and/or grave marker
• arrange the funeral, memorial and/or burial service
• prepare the obituary
• help you notify the deceased’s employer, attorney, insurance company and banks
• offer grief support or direct you to other resources

If your loved one did not preplan his or her funeral, consider asking friends and family for referrals. You may want to consult several to make sure you find a funeral director you are comfortable with.

Call the employer
If your loved one was working, you’ll need to call his or her employer immediately. Ask about the deceased’s benefits and any pay due, including vacation or sick time, disability income, etc. Ask if you or other dependents are still eligible for benefit coverage through the company. Ask whether there is a life insurance policy through the employer, who the beneficiary is and how to file a claim.

Call the life insurance company
Look through the deceased’s paperwork for the life policy. Call the agent or the company and ask how to file a claim. Usually the beneficiary (or the beneficiary’s guardian, if a minor) must complete the claim forms and related paperwork. You’ll need to submit the death certificate and a claimant’s statement to establish proof of claim. Remember to ask about payment options. You may have a choice between receiving a lump sum or the having the insurance company place the money in an interest-bearing account from which you can write checks.

Call Social Security and other organizations
Notify Social Security of the death. If your loved one was covered, the spouse or dependents may be eligible for certain payments or benefits. Also call any unions, professional or service organizations your loved one belonged to. He or she may have had life insurance or other benefits through these organizations.

Gather important papers
Of course the first thing you may be looking for when someone dies is the will or trust. But remember to gather other important papers, such as deeds, business agreements, tax returns, bank accounts, earnings statements, birth and marriage certificates, military discharge papers, Social Security Number, vehicle registration, loan payment books, bills, and any other important papers pertaining to your loved one’s affairs. You’ll need these to file a final tax return and settle the estate; you may want to consult an accountant.

Executing the will
If you were named the executor of your loved one’s will, you’ve got more work to do. First, you’ll need to file a probate case with the court. Although an attorney isn’t required in most states, you’ll probably want to hire one who is experienced in probate. You may choose to hire the lawyer who prepared the will, but that isn’t necessary.

Depending on the specifics of the estate, probate can be complicated and lengthy. As executor, you’ll be responsible for carrying out your loved one’s wishes according to the will, paying creditors and balancing the estate. There’s no standard amount of time a probate lasts, but some states are initiating laws to expedite the process.

Dying intestate – without a will
If someone dies without a will – dying intestate – the court will appoint an administrator. If you are appointed administrator, your responsibilities will be similar to those of an executor: distributing assets, paying creditors and balancing the estate.

Accessing bank accounts
If you have a joint account with the deceased you may be able to conduct business as usual, depending upon how the account was opened. Otherwise, normally only the will’s executor or administrator can access the account after providing the required paperwork to the bank. Call or visit the bank to find out what is required.

Finding help
Wrapping up your loved one’s affairs can be tedious and stressful. Find guidance you can trust to help you work out the details, such as a funeral director, accountant, attorney, grief counselor and/or clergy to help you manage the legal, financial and emotional issues a death can bring.

Resources:

• “The Mourning Handbook: The Most Comprehensive Resource Offering Both Practical and Compassionate Advice on Coping with All Aspects of Death and Dying” by Helen Fitzgerald
• “I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing after the Sudden Death of a Loved One” by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair
• “How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies” by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D.
• “What to Do When a Loved One Dies: a practical and compassionate guide to dealing with death on life’s terms” by Eva Shaw (Dickens Press, 1994).
• “Step by Step: Your Guide to Making Practical Decisions When a Loved One Dies” by Ellen Shaw, (Quality Life Resources, 2001).
• AARP, www.aarp.org

By pre-planning your funeral, you relieve your family of having to make important financial decisions during a period of great stress and grief-a time when people aren’t thinking very clearly and may not know what to do because you never made your wishes known.

It’s easy to say, “Don’t make a fuss. I don’t want a ceremony. Just bury me and be done with it.” But it is important to realize that the ritual of a funeral and/or memorial service isn’t for the deceased but for the living. It is a time when friends and family can gather together to grieve openly and to provide support for one another.

Pre-planning your funeral can be very informal, and as simple as following our pre-planning checklist and sharing your wishes with a family member. More formal arrangements in the form of a preneed contract can be set up with a funeral director and pre-funded through life insurance, bank trust agreement, or another method.

Pre-planning, when done properly, can give you peace of mind because you know that your arrangements are ready and pre-funded. Meet with your funeral director to discuss pre-planning.

By pre-planning your funeral, you can:

• make all the arrangements during a time of peace and not leave them to your family during their time of grief;
• make your wishes known;
• control the cost of your funeral and protect from inflation;
• ensure that personal records are organized and easy for your survivors to locate;
• protect your insurance so that it provides for your survivors and not for funeral expenses; and
• provide protection in case the need arises before it is expected;

How to Plan a Funeral

When a loved one dies, grieving family members and friends are often confronted with dozens of decisions about the funeral-all of which must be made quickly and often under great emotional duress. What kind of funeral should it be?

What funeral provider should you use? Should you bury or cremate the body, or donate it to science? What are you legally required to buy? What other arrangements should you plan? And, as callous as it may sound, how much is it all going to cost?

Each year, Americans grapple with these and many other questions as they spend billions of dollars arranging more than two million funerals for family members and friends. The increasing trend toward preneed planning-when people make funeral arrangements in advance – suggests that many consumers want to compare prices and services so that ultimately, the funeral reflects a wise and well-informed purchasing decision, as well as a meaningful one.

There are two stages to arranging a funeral. In the first stage, work with your funeral director to explore the options (you can also find information on this Website). Once you’ve made your choices and arranged the ceremony, the second step is to arrange the financing.

Planning a Funeral Ceremony

How to Write a Eulogy

The thought of public speaking throws many people into a panic. Add to that fear the common discomfort of discussing death, and it’s easy to understand why the idea of delivering a eulogy can be disconcerting. If you’ve been asked to write a eulogy, take heart. This article will help you put your fears in perspective so you can deliver a loving eulogy.

“Why me?”
You were probably asked to deliver a eulogy because of your close relationship to the deceased, and because the family trusts you to honor his or her memory on behalf of family and friends. The family doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, foolish or as though your grief is on display. It’s an honor they’ve bestowed upon you. Helping others say goodbye may turn out to be a rewarding experience. Don’t worry about making mistakes. “A eulogy comes from the heart of the deliverer.

“I can’t write.”
Don’t let the thought of writing intimidate you. You don’t have to be a novelist to move people. Everyone has a story to tell and that’s your job as a eulogist. Tell people your story.

A eulogy should convey the feelings and experiences of the person giving the eulogy, and should be written in an informal, conversational tone. Let us dispel the misconceptions that a eulogy should objectively summarize the person’s life or speak for all present. Sit down and write from the heart.

Eulogists often write about the person’s attributes, memories and common times that were shared together. Sometimes they include the deceased’s favorite poems, book passages, scripture verses, quotes, expressions, lines from songs or items that were written by the deceased. Whatever is selected, it generally reflects the loved one’s lifestyle.

These questions should get you thinking:

• How did you and the deceased become close?
• Is there a humorous or touching event that represents the essence of your passed loved one?
• What did you and others love and admire about the deceased?
• What will you miss most about him or her?

Some of the simplest thoughts are deeply touching and easy for those congregated to identify with. For example, “I’ll miss her smile,” or “I’ll never forget the way he crinkled his nose when he laughed,” are just as good as “I admired her selflessness.”

If you need help in preparing a eulogy, there are companies willing to help. At www.lovingeulogies.com, you can purchase an online guide to writing eulogies or even have their professional writer develop a custom eulogy for you.

“I can’t speak in front of people.”
It may not be easy, but you can do it. A funeral is one time you’ll surely have a kind and empathetic audience. They feel for you and are on your side. You’ll only have to speak for five to ten minutes, but your gift will live in the hearts of the deceased’s family and friends.

If you’re worried about choking up or breaking down in the middle of your eulogy, you can take a moment to compose yourself, then carry on, as Schaeffer recommends, or you can have a back up person ready to step in. Give a copy of your eulogy to the minister or funeral director so that person can finish the eulogy if you’re unable to continue.

Tips

• Be honest and focus on the person’s positive qualities.
• Humor is acceptable if it fits the personality of the deceased.
• “If you are inclined to be a perfectionist, lower your expectations and just do what you can given the short time-frame and your emotional state. Keep it brief. Five to ten minutes is the norm, but it’s a good idea to verify that with the minister or funeral director.
• Interviewing family and friends will help in completing the eulogy.
• Put the eulogy on paper – at least in outline form.

Eulogy or Sharing Time?
If you’re planning the funeral, you might want to consider “sharing time” as an alternative to a eulogy. In sharing time, the people congregated pass a microphone or take turns standing up to share their thoughts. “It’s like a lot of mini eulogies and is more spontaneous.”

Books Offering Help, Examples and Inspiration

• “Remembrances and Celebrations: A Book of Eulogies, Elegies, Letters, and Epitaphs” by Jill Werman Harris (editor)
• “Final Celebrations: A Guide for Personal and Family Funeral Planning” by Kathleen Sublette and Martin Flagg
• “In Memoriam: A Practical Guide to Planning a Memorial Service” by Amanda Bennett and Terence B. Foley
• “My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations, Plus a Guide to Eulogies” by Florence Isaacs
• “Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death” by Sarah York
• “Readings for Remembrance: A Collection for Funerals and Memorial Services” by Eleanor C. Munro (introduction)

How to Write and Deliver a Loving Eulogy” by Leo Seguin